Government Can Solve the Food Crisis, Too

My fellow Americans,

I am honored to be here today at the Springfield Homegrown Organic Produce Cooperative. I want to thank Artemis, Moonflower, Willow, and the rest of the S.H.O.P. cooperative board of directors for their invitation today, as well as for the lovely basket of soy nuggets, patchouli, and spirit beads. I cannot think of a better place to be to discuss America’s food-care crisis, or to unveil my five-point comprehensive plan for solving the problem.

It is a disgrace that although we live in the richest nation in the world, there are still children who go to bed hungry in America. Statistics can provide only a snapshot. But the statistics tell us that 38 million Americans are considered “food insecure,” meaning they are only one, two, or three paychecks away from having to choose between buying food and buying something else.

Food is essential to life itself, including the life of the children, who are our future. I want to tell you about Judy Williams, who is in the audience today — Judy, would you stand up please? Judy’s husband Bob lost his job of 30 years when the Betamax factory he was working in closed down. Without a steady source of income, the bills quickly piled up, and Judy and Bob were forced to cancel their cable TV service and their cell phones in order to buy food. That is just one small illustration of the tragedy of our current food-care system.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

Food is simply too important to be left to the whims of the free market. It is long past time for our country to find a better way — a way that costs less, offers more, and does it all by sticking it to the evil corporations of Big Grocery that have rigged the system against the American people. But change cannot happen overnight. And so, after months of consultation with a secret group of more than 2,500 food-care policy experts, I have devised a 63,700-page, single-spaced plan that will transition our country to a national system of single-payer food care, in five simple steps.

First, my plan begins by establishing tax incentives for employer-provided food coverage. Instead of buying food directly, as we do now, American families will be able to choose the groceries they want, and their employer-provided coverage will pay the bill at the checkout line. You will pay only a flat deductible or insurance copayment no matter how many grocery carts you fill up, so you will no longer have to worry about the cost of the food you choose to buy. This will help control prices.

Next, my plan mandates that employer-provided food insurance must be comprehensive. It is simply wrong for providers to anticipate denying coverage of exotic fruits like kiwi or mango simply because they cost more when they are not in season. Nor should Americans who are lactose-intolerant be forced to forgo dairy products — so my plan makes sure that employer coverage will provide them with lactose-free alternatives. The same goes for individuals who can eat nothing but gila-monster eggs and bird’s-nest soup.

Taxpayer-subsidized food insurance must not be allowed to control costs through the denial of coverage.

Some have argued that such mandates might increase the percentage of GDP we spend on food. I disagree. Nevertheless, because of a single sad anecdote I read in the paper the other day, my plan expands government involvement even further by offering direct, taxpayer-funded food coverage to families earning up to 1,800 percent of the federal poverty level, or $373,000 for a family of four. We will pay for this by raising taxes on the rich.

Step four of my plan, called Modified Choice, will create a system of national food care centers — public groceries, in other words — run by farmers and grocers on the government payroll. Everyone will pay into the public-grocery system, even those who choose to shop at a private grocery store. Each public grocery will be run by a local public-food bureaucracy, and the quality of individual public groceries will be determined by standardized testing.

Families will be assigned to a public grocery store near them and forbidden to go shop at a different public store. This will help ensure that their assigned store remains attentive to their needs. If a particular public store performs poorly, this will be considered proof that its employees should be paid a lot more.

The final phase of my plan, called Total Choice, will require everyone to shop at a public grocery store. It will ration scarce groceries through long lines instead of high prices. No one will have to pay directly for any food they consume; they will simply present their food-rationing card at the checkout counter and take whatever is given to them. Farmers and grocers will get paid the same whether they produce groceries for their customers or not.

I am sure you will agree with me that this will solve all our problems.